Cow, Tetworth, Cambridgeshire
Statistics from the Washington Post show that cows have killed more people per year then sharks. The numbers show that sharks have killed an average of one person per year while cows have killed twenty people per year. The way that these cows killed all those people wasn’t specified so it is my job to assume how cows killed twenty people.
The first thing that I thought of is the cow poisoned its own milk just to screw with us and it turns out it killed us instead. How does a cow poison its own milk you might ask? I don’t know. I can’t read the mind of a cow and quite honestly I don’t need to because I haven’t pissed off a cow. You can tell that cows like me because I am not dead nor have I gotten bad milk.
Second is one that I probably should have thought of before the last one. Farts, yes you heard me, farts. If you have ever been around a guy in your life you will realize real fast that we pass gas on a constant basis. It has gotten so bad that the human race can’t even do it in public without being ridiculed or shunned out of society, or at least that’s what my ex said when she told me to get out of her life. Who knew you could make another person faint just by eating twenty bucks of value menu food? Anyways morale of the story is cows don’t give a shit. (no pun intended) They will fart twenty four seven and if you’re around you may or may not die from it.
Third is cow tipping. For some reason or another there are tons of teenage “badasses” and middle aged men wanting to relive their “badass” years who think that tipping over cows is a fun thing to do. My thing is if I truly wanted to tip over a cow I would call up my ex and tell her that I had an STD. Just imagine a kid trying to push over a cow and the cow falls onto of them instead. They got what was coming to them.
The last way I can think of a cow killing a person is a bit of a stretch but hey why not. The cow could team up with the shark and they could work like basketball where the cow gets an assist. Now just try to imagine this. You are walking through a field and you see a cow, you don’t think anything of it, but now imagine there is a damn shark riding on the back of that cow with a cowboy hat on staring into your soul with a bowl of poisoned milk, a butt full of fart and the willingness to tip over to get another victim. That right there would be scary as hell!
So there you have it. Things to watch out for and think about next time you see a cow, and remember cows are like the people in the food industry. Don’t mess with them, they make your food.
-Tim Fluga (intern)
